I Used to Worry All the Time

^"You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it."
Matthew 6:27

I like to start with a narrative, everyone loves a good narrative right? Just me? Alright.

 

 I used to worry all the time. I used to be scared of everything. As a child I never tried anything if I had any doubts about it at all. If it was cloudy I wouldn't swim, there might be a storm. I was always worried about the bad that could happen.

After finding out that I was pregnant, things didn't change. I was a nervous wreck. "What if I do something wrong?" "what if something happens to the baby?" "How will I know that everything is OK if I can't have more than two ultrasounds?" and the list goes on. I was only 4 weeks pregnant. At 8 weeks, I decided that I couldn't live this way anymore. I thought, "If I am this nervous and paranoid NOW, when the baby isn't even born yet, how am I going to be when it is born, and the rest of his or her life!?" Obviously, I wasn't going to just magically stop worrying,in fact, I saw my worrying magnifying post-partum.

I decided that this person, this worrying-constantly afraid-pessimistic girl was no longer going to control me. I was in charge of another human now and couldn't have unnecessary thoughts clogging my precious brain space. I also needed sleep.

What could I do to fix this?

I literally asked God to calm my nerves. Over and over. 

"Calm my nerves. Calm my nerves. Calm my nerves..."

It didn't happen all at once. In fact, I had to start making a conscious effort to notice when I was worrying. Every time I felt pessimistic, nervous, worried, or panicked I asked God, "Calm my nerves. Calm my nerves. Calm my nerves..." 

Gradually, I noticed a change. I could sleep better, I wasn't concerned about non-sense. That brought to attention my face. I realized I hardly smiled, not that I was mad, just that I didn't smile. So, I started smiling. Not the goofy, teethy grins that come up in picture but just a pleasant expression and I pleasant tone in my voice. This helped A LOT. I was able to exude confidence which in turn gave me confidence. I felt...chill. Relaxed.

Not going to lie, the feeling of worry and panic came back. About 30 seconds after my son was born. As I was holding him for the first time, I was completely overwhelmed with emotions. (I know some of that was hormones. but still, didn't help) I was so happy, so in love, so enthralled by him, so scared, so worried. He started crying again (after the inital "wahhh I just breathed for the first time ever wahhh"). I kinda wanted to give him back, like "um here ya go. you can have him back now." But I couldn't do that. He was ours now. 

That night was awful. I couldn't sleep at all. With the nurses coming in to do what they have to do, baby boy waking up to eat (another blog for another time. ugh), and me worrying...no sleep was had that night. The main thing I was worried about was baby boy choking. Apparently a quick delivery (pushing for about 2 hours) is a blessing and a curse in that all the gunk and fluid in his lungs didn't have time to get squeezed out before he was born, so long story short, it's coming up now. The hospital pediatrician assured me this was normal.

Even when we got home, I was still nervous. The "choking" stopped but now I didn't have a whole medical staff at my disposal. THANK GOD that my fabulous mother-in-law(former labor and delivery nurse) was staying with us. If she hadn't been there, I may have just had a panic attack, for real. 

I had to readjust. Remember how I overcame this before, and pray again.

"Calm my nerves. Calm my nerves. Calm my nerves."

Slight side note, I have a degree in early childhood education and worked at a daycare for 7 years. So I do have a good idea about the day-to-day needs of babies and children. Something people worry about with newborns is daily care. Since I have this pretty much down, it is my job and all, I didn't need to worry about it. Thinking back on this while writing this post, I am so thankful for that. I don't want to imagine how worried I would be if I didn't have this experience. Seriously, don't want to think about it. Woah.

My dad mentioned to someone the other day that I was a "calm mom" and hadn't freaked out over anything. WOW! this was comforting, it was working, I was changing. AND people noticed without me even saying that I was struggling with this. 

Baby boy is almost 2 months old now, I still have moments of worry and nervousness but I think I am in much better shape, and much much less stressed.

Sorry if that was long winded, I feel like summarizing in a list. I like lists. :)

How I calmed the heck down:

1. Prayer: lots and lots of prayer. I prayed specifically for God to calm my nerves. Because that is what is was. The worrying was all nerves and had no merit.
2. My Previous Experience With Babies: I worked with children for 7+ years prior to getting pregnant. This helped so much. If you are pregnant and have no or little experience with kids, especially babies, I would suggest getting some. Babysit, interview parents, read, Google, do whatever it takes to have a good, more than general knowledge of how babies work. Don't let their crying stress you, it's how they communicate. (another blog, another time)
3. My Wonderful Nurse of a Mother-in-Law: She was awesome. She stayed for about 2 weeks and we missed her when she was gone. She not only helped us my cooking for us, but she helped take care of the baby, and was there to offer advice both medically and motherly. I know not everyone can win the in-law lottery but do ask for help from your mom, mother-in-law, grandmother, aunt... or whoever you know that has done this before. Ask more than one person to get a well-rounded answer to your question.
4. Confirmation: Even though I didn't exactly ask for it, I was glad to have confirmation that I was doing something right. It felt good that other people noticed how I was calm and collected, whether I felt it or not. I was trying really hard to be that way. I needed to hear that compliment. I think God knew that ;)

Feel free to comment any questions you have! I am happy to answer. You can comment anonymously if you want to! :)

Pregnancy: the (wo)man, the myth, the legend

Pregnancy. The beautiful creation of life. Something most women look forward to and thoroughly enjoy. 

It was a hot Saturday afternoon in August. I found myself at the drugstore buying lady parts products (tampons) when I thought to myself, "I don't even feel like I'm about to start." Even though I knew it was time, my period tracking app was always accurate. "I'll probably start tomorrow, maybe I should get a pregnancy test just for kicks and giggles. I know it will be negative." My husband was working an event for the restaurant he manages so I knew he wouldn't be home for a while. I went ahead and took the test, waited the appropriate amount of time per the directions listed on the back of the box, and... PANICKED!  

It. Was. Positive.

P-O-S-I-T-I-V-E

Mother. Of. Pearl.

I immediately threw the test down and reached for a new one. Even though I knew that there is no such thing as a false positive, in my mind I needed to take another. It was also positive. I wanted to talk to someone. Anyone. I called my sisters, they were both busy. My hubby was at work and this is not news your share over the phone while someone is at work. All my friends were busy. AHHHHH!!! After the panicking, I cried. I'll be honest, I cried for about 3 weeks. I was not happy. I was not expecting it. I had plans. There were things we were supposed to do. We had only been married 11 months! I was supposed to go to Key West for a bachelorette weekend! I was supposed to work out like crazy and audition to be a professional cheerleader!

All of this seems shallow now, but then it was real. Those were my real feelings. I was not excited. I told my husband the next morning as we were getting ready for church. We were both scared. 

I had always thought people, especially married people, were supposed to be excited about becoming pregnant. It's so hard for some people to do and here I was being selfish and unappreciative. I felt bad.

That was just the beginning. 

I had read many other blogs about what people don't tell you when you're delivering but not being pregnant. Here are a few things no one told me about life as a pregnant person: (this is my personal story, may not happen to everyone)

1. Insurance is complex.  I was 24 and therefore still on my dad's insurance policy for another 2 years. BUT since my state, Alabama, adopted to expand medicaid, his policy no longer covered dependent maternity. Because apparently I should apply for medicaid now. Much to my chagrin, I applied. Nope. too rich. (hahahahaha) So here I am in insurance coverage limbo. AAAAAND commence panicking, again. My OB/GYN, agreed to see me as private pay while I sorted it all out. Which sounds easier than it is. OBs aren't cheap. Finally got it all sorted out. but my advice, if you are getting married or think you could possibly get pregnant, have an insurance plan. And go for the BEST maternity coverage possible. like 80-100%. For real.
2. Emotions will take you over. And you may not even realize it. I have always been a worrier and an overreactor. SOOOO being pregnant multiplies that. All of a sudden you have another life you are responsible for taking care of. Your choices affect it. I was so worried I would hurt it, or do something to mess something up developmentally. I cried over everything. Happy or sad. I felt like a hot mess. A literal hot mess. (because hot flashes). 
3. It's OK to not be excited at first. People will be shocked when you say you aren't excited. But, it is kinda life changing news. I mean you have these plans and all of a sudden you have to alter your entire life. I had to pray a lot. A lot a lot. And take deep breaths. And seriously focus on not being panicked all the time. As soon as my hubby and I heard the heart beat for the first time, our faces changed to huge smiles. I instantly felt calm. It was real. Our kid was in there. That was his heartbeat. He was alive and he was ours. 
4. People ask questions. Just deal with it. I had prepared a few snarky responses for whenever people rubbed my belly or uttered something about me "popping" soon. But I never used them. People are...well, people. It is going to happen. I learned to just deal with it and end the awkward as soon as possible. 
5. You are not eating for two. Don't fall for the myth. You just need about 300 more calories a day than you normally eat. I would suggest doing just that. Try to eat healthier, cut the caffeine, the sugar, drink more water for sure but don't eat for two. Eat when you are hungry. Some days I would eat two lunches and some days I felt like eating one. Just don't eat all the time just because you think you can. Track your weight when you go to the doctor so you can see how much you are gaining. Your doctor will tell you if you need to gain more. I am currently 7 weeks post-partum and still have about 15 pounds to lose. 
6. You will miss your OB/GYN! I actually felt sad at my post-partum check-up. I mean i saw her every month,then every 2 weeks, and then every week for 9 whole months. I wish I had asked more questions just to get to talk longer, I mean I felt like we were buds! haha                                                There are so many more things I could list, maybe I will add more. Comment your thoughts about this below!