There's t-shirts, mugs, wine glasses and more screen printed with labels that suggest the occupant is barely holding it together but with the help of dry shampoo and alcohol, just might make it. Oh! The selfies I have seen with women holding coffee mugs with phrases like "World's Okayest Mom" or "This is Wine" have become far too frequent.
Why is the "hot mess express" mom glamorized? Why is it okay to be sloppy and to insinuate that you are day drinking while caring for your kids?
Now, I am by no means suggesting that I, a mom of a toddler and soon-to-be newborn, have all of my ducks in a row and heading towards the pond in matching monogrammed seer-sucker hats. I don't. I definitely don't. Most days I probably am barely holding it together. But you know what...? I try. I do everything I can for my family. I have a job. My husband works extremely hard, full time and then some (being a restaurant GM is kind of a 24/7 gig). He's gone most of the day, again working extremely hard to provide financially. He definitely helps take care of our son when he is home though. They have a pretty neat relationship. However, the reality is, most nights I make dinner by myself, coerce a small human into eating said dinner. Put the toddler to bed by myself, pack lunch, do laundry, do dishes, clean everything, vacuum, lay out clothes for everyone to wear the next morning... and I think you get the point. Like most moms, I do a lot. Probably most of the housework and caring for the children type of things. It's hard, it's exhausting, it's even excruciating at times but that is what I signed up for when I decided to have a family. That's part of being a mom. No where in the parenting manual does it say that those things are optional. I TOTALLY get wanting to vent or air-out. I definitely need breaks and vacations and "me time." I love getting to have a hot coffee with a girlfriend or sister and just letting it out. I just don't get the over-glamorization of it all. I don't get the constant need to post on social media what you are doing, or better yet, not doing today for your kids.
I have days when my kid won't eat unless he's sitting on the floor, or he throws a tantrum in Target because I wouldn't let him have the giant red ball by the door, or my coffee got cold because I'm chasing a two-year-old that will not leave clothes on. Yes, my kid even climbs out of his toddler bed and sleeps on the carpet a lot of times. And I really feel like all that is normal and even okay. I feel like a lot of things people vent about in mom groups on Facebook are normal things. But then... there are the people that are actually not normal. They are barely holding it together and decide to use time out of their "hectic" lives to post about it.
Now, I know a few moms of special needs children. Your job is different than mine and I am not judging you or saying you aren't doing enough. I commend you for all you have to do for your kid that not everyone has to add in to their to-do list. I know that's not easy, especially if you are also a working mom.
But... I really do think there are things that need to be discussed. There are issues that have come up recently that I cannot sit idly by and tolerate anymore. I have to bring up a few things that come to mind when I say that I am not OK being an OK mom.
Here goes nothing:
No, your kid doesn't need a Pinterest-inspired bento box lunch
If you think you have to make a cutesy lunch with animal shaped fruit for lunch...you don't. No, your kid doesn't need a Pinterest-inspired bento box lunch with a personalized Etsy stationary note every morning.
Your kids do need an actual lunch though. Throwing a handful of teddy grahams and a cheese stick in a paper towel and saying "good luck" just wont cut it for more than a day or so. If you're having a week like that, stop and reevaluate your priorities. Is there something you can move around so that you can go buy actual food for your family? Maybe give them a check to buy lunch at school if you haven't made it to the grocery store. Maybe next week you need to plan to go to the grocery store earlier in the week. Or maybe it would be beneficial for your family to meal prep, that way you know the kids will be fed for a certain amount of days. I literally set an alert in my phone to remind me to buy groceries. I also use the Walmart pick up service because it's amazing! It helps me budget, and I don't forget anything because I use the app as my grocery list. Maybe you and another mom friend can take turns watching each other's kids while the each of you goes to the store and gets a Frappuccino on the way. Figure something out.
If that's your style to be over-the-top, then that's fine! Go for it. No one should make you feel less than for wanting to do that for your kids. Just make sure you aren't trying to impress anyone other than your kids. If you find yourself taking pictures and posting everything you create to your social media outlets hoping to get over 100 likes and shares but your kids just throw it away without even thinking...maybe it's time to cut back. Maybe you aren't actually doing it for your kids. Are YOU in need of something? Do you need the validation that you are a good mom?
Birthday Parties are not a necessity
Your kids don't have to have a birthday party, and they especially don't have to have a completely Pinterest/Etsy/DIY trendy-themed party in your DIY (or purchased) Joanna Gaines* house. But, if you promised your kid a party, give them one! Actually plan it ahead of time. Take the time that it takes to pull off an event with everything it takes to do it. No child deserves the stress that is induced when mom is scrambling and screaming at the last minute to get things done. The anxiety that transposes from mom to child when Walmart is out of cakes in the bakery section and the from-the-box cake is collapsed in the oven is too much for a mom to handle let alone a child that is supposed to be celebrating his or her birthday. Now, I don't have a problem with Walmart or from-the-box cakes. My son had a cake that I made from the box for his first birthday party. But I also made it the night before, had backup boxed mixes, and bought more frosting than I thought I might need so that I had any incident accounted for. I didn't want to just have a thrown together party. I planned to make the cake from the box instead of buying it to save money.
I guess this whole thing just bothers me to my core because it is my core. This is how I grew up. The scrambling, the last minuteness, the always forgetting something. My mom had her moments when we would craft or bake or do something that Pinterest-queens would envy. But most days, it wasn't like that. She always seemed to be in a hurry. We never had a plan for anything. Basically, we were the real life family from the show The Middle (on ABC, it is actually pretty funny). I'm not even that upset that we didn't have many birthday parties, it just seemed like when we did, they were rushed and frantic and people were crying before even starting the thing. This isn't supposed to sound angry towards my mother. (hi Mom, if you're reading this). But it was my reality nonetheless.
I lived the other side of the "okayest mom" thing. And let's be honest here, it wasn't always good or even okay. I didn't enjoy feeling stressed. I didn't enjoy wearing wet jeans to school because they didn't get dried. It was stressful to frantically make a costume for something out of random stuff the night before because we didn't plan ahead. I didn't enjoy seeing my mom being busy and frantic over nothing and then losing it. **
Your kids deserve everything you've got. If that's glitter sprayed money with a handwritten certificate from the tooth fairy or if that's just the fact that you put money under their pillow at all... do it. Do what you can do but do SOMETHING. Don't be OK. Be the best mom you can be.
Which would you want to do with your mom, listen to her make up an excuse for why the elf didn't move last night? Or, making a handmade card for Santa on a Saturday morning instead? Which will be more meaningful to your kids? Which will save you sanity but still allow for that valuable time with your kids? (that you will never get back by the way.)
No, your kids don't need Mary Poppins. They need parents that care enough to make time for them and care for their needs. Children shouldn't have to worry about their needs being met or "will my mom wear her pajamas to the carpool line because she hasn't gotten dressed today?" Which would YOU want if you were your kid?
Also, maybe, just maaaayybe, talking to your kids would give you some insight as to what they like, want, and really need from you. If your kid likes to do Pinterest crafts, find a reasonable way to join him or her. If your kid could care less about crafts but loves the park, take him or her to the park. Spend time actually getting to know them and then decide what kind of a mom you need to be for them. Do what they like, not necessarily what you wish they would like. Don't brag about being "okay" until you know you have exhausted all your efforts and have nothing left to give. Maybe the cup should say "My Kid's Favorite Mom" or "World's Most Determined Mom." or "I've exhausted all my efforts and my kids are in bed so its OK to drink wine now."
Use Pinterest to your advantage. Find organization tips, meal prep tips, whatever you lack. If you know, like me, budgeting isn't your thing, research and find out how to do it. If meal prep and planning ahead is a struggle, research how to get better. Your family needs you to hold it together. They need you to be solid, someone hey can depend on. If you aren't able to give them that, how will they learn to be solid for their children? How will they learn how to handle adversity if they don't see you handling it?
Let's just stop the "keep them alive" while wearing yoga pants and day drinking mentality. It really doesn't suit you. ...The mentality, not the yoga pants. You look great in yoga pants!
A few side notes:
*Nothing against Jo, love her! I totally want my house to look like that, but you know what, she WORKED HAAARRRD for that house and all the things she has accomplished. She didn't settle for being an okay mom or wife. (You should read her book if you haven't already)
**Now, in her defense, she has since been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, which was probably the cause of most of it. I don't know a whole lot about anxiety disorders but I know when I start to feel overwhelmed, I can feel myself starting to behave this way or the opposite, burying my head in the sand and trying to avoid all the things. So, maybe if you're reading this thinking "oh that's me" get yourself examined and helped. Your kids (and your sense of peace and control) deserve it.
