Jekyll and Hyde: To stay home or be a working mom?

I have been struggling with how to write this post. It is a difficult topic for me because I have always been busy. When I say always, I pretty much mean always. To backtrack a little, I have been a dancer since kindergarten. I always had school, dance, church. Every week. In high school it was worse, School, dance team/marching band practice, dance studio classes, church, social life, extracurriculars at school.. etc. College... ya. I finished my undergrad after 5 long years because I also worked close to full-time at one job and had two or three part time jobs (at the same time), plus college dance team...

Needless to say though here I am saying it I have always been a busy person. It is my personality, I like to stay busy. I assumed that after I finished my degree and got married that I would have one job and my kids would go to daycare because I worked so hard for my degree and to have a career. I was planning on being bored during maternity leave because I would not be "busy." I was planning on wanting to come back after 8 weeks because I missed work and being busy. I didn't anticipate the timeline of life though... more so the conundrum of life. Which brings me to the topic of discussion:

Continue a career or be a stay at home mom?

I consider this a conundrum because I definitely wanted to have kids before I was over 30. I definitely wanted to have a career related to my hard earned degree and even pursue additional degrees. Alas, you really find it difficult to have your cake and eat it to. Sure it is TOTALLY possible. Women do it everyday. I was not prepared for the emotional aspects.
Here are a few pros and cons:

• PRO: Have a career and make plenty of money to help support your family and send your kids to a great daycare. You want them to have a social experience anyway
• CON: Missing out on many milestones and opportunities to socialize your child yourself
• PRO:Using your degree to promote your passions and get paid to do it.
• CON: Promoting your passions may mean long hours and full work schedules which also means less time with your family.
• PRO: Setting an example for your children by working hard to pursue your dreams.
• CON: Except they won't understand for a few years and usually they are too tired by the time you get home to really play or talk or anything.
• PRO: Moms across the world do it all the time and dads do it all the time.You won't be the only one with a kid in daycare.
• CON: Missing your kid so much you can't even look at a picture of him without tearing up a bit

I know that it is supposed to get easier (that's what I tell the parents of the kids in my class anyway) But it is still so hard. I have so many thoughts contradicting each other. I want to stay at home with my kid. I want him to have a social experience. I want to work. I want to use my degree dangit!  I want to go back to school. I want my husband to be able to do what he wants too. We can't have it all.

Thoughts about Being a Working Mom Thus Far

I know I haven't posted in a while, sorry. I have been sooooo tired and busy. I started back to work a little while ago. It was awful! I love my job, I do. But I was NOT ready to go back. The first day back my dad watched little man. I can't tell if that was better or worse. It was nice knowing he was good and comfortable at home, but I missed him. Oh I guess I should mention he can go to daycare where I work. Because it's a daycare... Child Development Center technically.
Anyway,
It has been hard. I loved staying home with him. I never thought I would want to be a stay-at-home mom. I'm not sure that I really do, but I do like having certain freedoms.

1. I like being able to do or go do whatever we want. I liked being able to just go to the beach, or go to a morning women's bible study, or join a friend for lunch. It was nice and relaxed. Like I said in previous blogs, I enjoy being busy. So having the freedom to do what I wanted whenever was a breath of fresh air because I could fill my day with activities or decide to stay home.
2. Babies don't always sleep when you want to sleep. SO it was nice being able to go back to sleep at 7 am if I needed to. Sometimes little man would wake up every 4 hours at night, so going back to sleep was wonderful. Now, he is sleeping most of the night but wakes between 4 and 5. At this point, I am not quite ready to be up for the day, but since going back to work I have to stay up or I risk oversleeping. 

The hardest thing so far is time management. There is so much to do. I have tried to meal plan and make freezer meals to save time. My favorite is this breakfast burrito recipe. I altered it to my tastes but basically that's it! I have made these for about 2 months now. I LOVE THEM!!  They take no time at all to make, are super easy to heat, and super filling. I have to eat breakfast, always have been that way. Especially now with pumping/nursing I am hungry all the time.

Besides being tired all the time and hungry all the time, I guess it has not been too bad being back at work. (paychecks are nice too). Maybe one day I can do something that gives me more flexibility to stay home, or maybe he will be the most active toddler ever and I will want to keep him in daycare... who knows. All I know is that I love him more than I ever imagined I could love anything and I want to do what is best for our family.

If you have a story you would like to share to help me feel better, please do!!
sorry this was a weak post, I need to write more